Captain Mike Phillips, the famous English rugby player, today married his long-time royal bride and olympic jockey, Mz Zara Tindall.

The wedding was marked by a series of sensations.

Sensation one! ― the bridegroom wore trousers! The pundits, including those who had been hacking his voicemails, had promised royal wedding fans that he would wear a skirt. It seems he will be wearing petticoats for a long time to come and could not resist a last chance to wear long pants.

Wearing drag is not unusual in royal circles. According to royal history books, kings wore maxi-dresses right through their middle ages, and then for a long time they wore cute silk culottes. Many wore frock-coats and powdered wigs. The Duchess Kate Muddleton and Sophie, Countess of Essex both wore dresses to their weddings. So did Prince Ann.

Sensation two! Princess Rebekah Brooks and leading royal phone-hacker Davina Cameron were not invited! Edwina Miliband had a quick nose-job in the hope of getting front row seat, but this was another union he couldn’t get into! Prince Jammy Murdoch was unable to attend, due to an engagement with Princess Louise Mensch.

Sensation three! Camilla, the Duchess of Marlborough Light ― who was she wearing on her head? Was it a hat? Was it a fascinator? Was it a box of sweet pea from Homebase? Did she use Gro-plus or Bio? According to reports, Charles likes her to wear a pot plant on her head as it gives him something to talk to when he is listening to his father.

And so, my sensitive petals, another sensational royal wedding which we hope will lead to a lot more sexual intelligence.