Mouth

Lazy Boy

I am often asked many questions about blow jobs. Why are they called blow jobs when there is no blowing? And why blow job but not jerk job? Why not wank job or shag job?

So – do you have the necessary equipment, as illustrated above? Strictly speaking, you don’t need a chair. Sofas, stools, cars, cinema seats, park benches, fields, toilets, desks, tables (both on and under), store-rooms, green-rooms and parental bedrooms are some of the many places people use to get their blow job started. Find what’s right for you and your partner, but if you use a desk or a car or a parental bedroom, it’s probably best to check first that no one else is using it already.

Another question – will I need a hand, or if I use a hand will it be a hand job? People who ask this question are often sexually stupid. People who are truly sexually intelligent find sexual multi-tasking an intuitive concept and – with practice and experimentation – are able to combine hand jobs and blow jobs.

You will also need a penis. This is essential. It is best if it is not your own as if you try to give yourself a blow job it is likely to end in a broken back job. However, although I have

Hand (optional, one or two according to taste and skills)

used a plastic penis for the illustration above, most people prefer to use real penises if they possibly can. Plastic penises are good for illustrations and for practice but they are extremely limited in their sensitivity and response.

If you don’t know someone who will let you use their penis it is often best not ask directly, and it is usual not to ask someone in your family. Broach the subject casually, in a fun way. Start with something like: “Hey, you know, just asking, but do you fancy a blow job right now? Or maybe later. Or not. No pressure. Whatever.”

Don’t bite! Uh-uh! Big, big no-no! Except if you’re using a plastic penis, as in the illustration, then you can bite. Or if the penis you’re blow jobbing belongs to someone you really totally utterly hate and you’re sick of blowing them anyway and you never want to see them again and you don’t care if they get extremely abusive and possibly violent. Then it might be – just might be! – ok. But otherwise – no, sireee!

A bit of fun while you are blow jobbing is to play about with your friend’s testes. These are the dangly, baggie things that hang down below the penis. You can use your hand or your tongue, but as above – don’t bite!

A good blow job should end in what we call a ‘climax’. This is often thought of as the most exciting part of the ‘job’ and there are lots of questions for the dedicated blow jobber. The penis lets off an ‘ejaculation’. What is this? The etymology is interesting. It comes from the Latin ‘e’ out, the American ‘jack’, meaning what we say in England for wank, and the Old French ‘lation’, meaning spurt.

When the penis ejaculates a warm sticky liquid comes flying out. New and experienced blow jobbers are often not sure what to do. Should I swallow? And what does ‘it’ taste like? And will it make me put on weight? These are questions for a future blog – Blow Jobs: A Sticky End.

Bon amour!