My dear sweet little cabbages,

Once again, this week we are witnessing a deluge of sexual stupidity. We learn that Dr Tulisa Contostavlos, the london-based singing greek philosopher has confessed.

She first admitted to travelling with a little plastic (battery-operated) friend, called Sammy, as she finds celebrity life a terribly lonely affair. Sammy is always there to provide the good vibrations that she longs so much for. We understand.

Then, we are told, that a video footage is going round the internet, showing her practising her latest ways in philosophy. “ I apologise to anyone that this has offended. I know for a fact that it will never happen again” she announces. Dear Tulisa, I think the world is more understanding and willing to accept your latest performance than you can imagine. I hear that it is a very popular video and that millions are enjoying it as I type.Thank you. Please keep it up.

So there is no need to “be in bits for the past few days”, but thankfully we now hear that “she isn’t the type to sit down and keep my mouth shut about anything”. Opening your mouth always a good thing when doing philosophy, we agree.

Lastly, a boyfriend, not Sammy, Justin, has been naughty naughty, playing with the computer trying to denigrate Tulisa’s philosophical works. Not fair. Your philosophy is your gift to the world Tulisa, and I think that Justin will very soon find out that your study is solid, modern, revolutionary even. After Derrida comes Tulisa, clearly some progress.

So like all visionaries Tulisa, you must not apologise but on the contrary embrace this moment that has now come, where the quality of your work is, at long last, for the whole world to see.

We thank you wholeheartedly.

Dr George Michel Cobalt

Tulisa engaging online

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