Once again, this week we are witnessing a deluge of sexual stupidity. We learn that Dr Tulisa Contostavlos, the london-based singing greek philosopher has confessed.
She first admitted to travelling with a little plastic (battery-operated) friend, called Sammy, as she finds celebrity life a terribly lonely affair. Sammy is always there to provide the good vibrations that she longs so much for. We understand.
Then, we are told, that a video footage is going round the internet, showing her practising her latest ways in philosophy. “ I apologise to anyone that this has offended. I know for a fact that it will never happen again” she announces. Dear Tulisa, I think the world is more understanding and willing to accept your latest performance than you can imagine. I hear that it is a very popular video and that millions are enjoying it as I type.Thank you. Please keep it up.
So there is no need to “be in bits for the past few days”, but thankfully we now hear that “she isn’t the type to sit down and keep my mouth shut about anything”. Opening your mouth always a good thing when doing philosophy, we agree.
Lastly, a boyfriend, not Sammy, Justin, has been naughty naughty, playing with the computer trying to denigrate Tulisa’s philosophical works. Not fair. Your philosophy is your gift to the world Tulisa, and I think that Justin will very soon find out that your study is solid, modern, revolutionary even. After Derrida comes Tulisa, clearly some progress.
So like all visionaries Tulisa, you must not apologise but on the contrary embrace this moment that has now come, where the quality of your work is, at long last, for the whole world to see.
It seems that celebrities now have a ‘right to privacy’. Why does someone who makes themselves fabulously rich from being famous want a right to privacy?
Mr Wayne Rooney, the reality footballer, admitted he needed privacy because his sponsors did not want to advertise that he liked old-age prostitutes. How many ‘granny hookers’ buy football boots? Not so many, according to his PR lawyers.
Mr Ryan Giggs – also a reality footballer – claimed to Ms Justice Eady – the celebrity privacy judge – that he needed privacy to protect his fortune from his brother, Rhodri,
Natasha Giggs Endorses Reality Sex Toys
because he was having an affair with his wife, Natasha, while his own wife, Stacey Cooke, thought he was having an affair with Imogen Thomas.
Mr (Ryan) Giggs told Mr Eady that he had been so desperate for privacy that he had slept some nights with his own wife! At home! Or at least he thought he had. He wasn’t sure… and neither was Stacey… or it might have been Natasha. Or Dwight Yorke.
Imogen Thomas - an artist's impression of how Ryan Giggs might have seen her
Ms Eady agreed that Mr Giggs was extremely rich. He gagged Ms Thomas with a ‘superinjunction’, forbidding her from telling the truth, which he said is clearly contrary to English Law, the European Convention on Human Rights and the United Nations Security Council Resolution on the protection of Celebrity Endorsement Bank Accounts.
Ms Eady said it was outrageous that anyone should want to know about people who are famous.
What is the next step? Banning journalists from hacking celebrity voicemail? Would there still be any news fit to read? What will the tabloids report? Updates on the crisis in Angela Merkel’s erogenous zone? Non, merci!
Mr Rio Ferdinand is willing to help. As captain of England he is stepping in to save the sex scandal from complete extinction. When the Sunday Mirror published the story of his affair with Ms Carly Storey, he immediately agreed to sue the newspaper to ensure maximum exposure.
Rio Ferdinand remembered his wife's name by writing it on a card
Mr Ferdinand also agreed to make it clear to everyone that during the three-day trial he slept with at least 10 other women, including a model, had a three-in-a-bed session, plus flings with a Page Three girl, two international models, a Pop Idol contestant, a stripper, an air hostess, Alexa Ferguson, Arsenetta Wenger and Fabiana Capello.
He denied sleeping with his wife and said he had only met Jordan of 30 or 40 occasions, and only in hotels when they were with other models, footballers, reality celebrities, drinking champagne and sniffing a most exhilarating white powder which he thought might have been Beechams.
Mr Ferdinand invited Ms Eady to their next party, which he said were so much more fun now that privacy was guaranteed and people found telling the truth risked prison. Mr Eady said he might just pop along.
Carly Storey slept with Rio Ferdinand, an unnamed footballer
The story so far:
Rio Ferdinand had an affair with John Terry, who was involved with Wayne Bridge while playing away with Carly Storey, who was married to the lingerie model Fabiana Capello, the brother of England football manager Vanessa Perroncel, the wife of Ryan Giggs’s brother Rhodri, Natasha Giggs, who had affairs with Ryan, Danny Simpson, Phil Bardsley, Rhodri Giggs, Jordan, Kerry Katona, Eric Cantona, David Cantor and Dwight Yorke – who was having at an affair with Jordan, who was married to Peter Andre. M Ferdinand, it turns out, is married to Ms Justice Nicol, who had an affair with Imogen Thomas while still a client of Mr Max Clifford, who was given a gagging order by Ms Justice Eady while at a sleep-over with Rebecca Ellison, the editor of the Sunday Mirror.
Please, Petals – all this is subject to superinjunctions and no one is allowed to know!
Ms Justice Eady has agreed to come to a 'private' footballers' party!
Ryan Giggs says he may have slept with his wife, Stacey Cooke
My petalicious pretties ― exciting news! A new movie is ready to be released from Hollywood, starring a good looking woman and a good looking man.
They have witty things to say. They take their clothes off. They have more witty things to say. They go to lunch. They look gorgeous. They take their clothes off ― again!
The story is deep. Justin Timberlake and Ashton Kutcher play two Hollywood superstars making the same film. Justin is making NSA and Ashton is making FWB. The suspense is intense! Whose film will cost the most? Who will have Mila Kunis and who will have to make do with Natalie Portaloo?
The film asks deep questions ―
Is sleeping with Mila Kunis a sign of being in Hollywood?
In an unexpected plot twist Ashton Kutcher falls in love! But Justin doesn’t, even though he gets Mila. This is great writing.
In real life, we know from our experiments, women looking for benefits are more likely to read Cosmopolitan: Friends with benefits relationships.
My advice: if you have a friend and you want to see a film, there is nothing wrong with watching Justin and Mila pull down their pants. It benefits art!
Mila Kunis loves her friends!
Mila Kunis decided not to be friends with Ashton Kutcher
Mila likes to go hiking high in the hills, even without her friends
In an exciting scene, Mila and Justin go to lunch…
Mila and Justin use hand-signals to discuss their benefits
Friends with benefits take their clothes off
Facepainting is one benefit friends can share
When friends tire of facepainting, they sometimes watch sports TV
Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake play friends who like to take their clothes off
