Once again, this week we are witnessing a deluge of sexual stupidity. We learn that Dr Tulisa Contostavlos, the london-based singing greek philosopher has confessed.

She first admitted to travelling with a little plastic (battery-operated) friend, called Sammy, as she finds celebrity life a terribly lonely affair. Sammy is always there to provide the good vibrations that she longs so much for. We understand.

Then, we are told, that a video footage is going round the internet, showing her practising her latest ways in philosophy. “ I apologise to anyone that this has offended. I know for a fact that it will never happen again” she announces. Dear Tulisa, I think the world is more understanding and willing to accept your latest performance than you can imagine. I hear that it is a very popular video and that millions are enjoying it as I type.Thank you. Please keep it up.

So there is no need to “be in bits for the past few days”, but thankfully we now hear that “she isn’t the type to sit down and keep my mouth shut about anything”. Opening your mouth always a good thing when doing philosophy, we agree.

Lastly, a boyfriend, not Sammy, Justin, has been naughty naughty, playing with the computer trying to denigrate Tulisa’s philosophical works. Not fair. Your philosophy is your gift to the world Tulisa, and I think that Justin will very soon find out that your study is solid, modern, revolutionary even. After Derrida comes Tulisa, clearly some progress.

So like all visionaries Tulisa, you must not apologise but on the contrary embrace this moment that has now come, where the quality of your work is, at long last, for the whole world to see.

We thank you wholeheartedly.

Dr George Michel Cobalt

Tulisa engaging online

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Once again, we see a lot of sexual stupidity in the news today. Monsieur Strauss-Khan, the famous poet of love, today announced to the world that one cannot tell what a lady’s status in life is if she is naked. Well, he has a point, or has he? Indeed, naked she could be a nun, a footballer or a newsreader. And may be some of his numerous amorous encounters may well have been with such ladies. How can the poor man be to blame? They were naked!

What does this tell us? Well, one should never partake in naked encounters, always making sure that some attire of some sort is worn by the other party, this in order to stop the undesirable speculation that poor Monsieur Strauss-Khan is now facing.

I cannot wait for your thoughts on the matter my little cabbages

Write to me and this week the best letter will win an afternoon in my atelier to help me with my experiments.

Yours truthfully,

Dr George-Michel Cobalt

DSK trying to convince his butler not to let anyone in without clothes

I learn today that Nicolas Merkel and Angela Sarkozy have decided to merge into one. Now, one must ask the question, why would a french princess want to be swallowed up by a generous german chancelor? Is this kinkyness, boredom, lust, or just plain sexual stupidity? Beware of what you wish for, my little cabbages, I fear the worst in this case.

Send me your thoughts on the matter, the best letter will win a very special prize.

Yours incredulously,
Dr George-Michel Cobalt

The osmosis is just beginning

Nicolas weighing the pros and cons of the merger

Nicolas with his nanny looking for cockles

The chancelor ready to swallow

Chancelor pondering the merit of swallowing

Dr Crapolt,

Why is it that assholes like the men who post under the name DAVID HERD think all women are stupid!!!!???? This asshole invites you for a drink at the Dorchester Hotel after a LTR ad, then emails you an hour before and says, “MAKE SURE YOU ARE SHAVED AND NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!!!” I kid you not!!! Why do you think a girl looking for LTR is going to fall for that crap??? You want a hooker – then answer a hooker’s ad idiot!! Craigslost is really becoming scummy now!!! WHat happen to genuine men?

Gimme a break,
Kissy Kushion.

My advice ―

Dear Ms Kushion,

It is never polite to write in capital letters. That is long established ‘netiquette’. Neither should a gentleman expect to inquire about the state of a young lady’s underclothing before they have met. But are you sure you were entirely innocent of the implications of meeting for a ‘drink’ at the Dorchester Hotel? It is, ahem, hardly a venue at which a nice girl would expect to acquaint herself with a cute boy. You were not rushing away with dreams of riches, thinking you had won the internet dating lottery? Who wrote the capitals?

Yours realistically,
Dr George-Michel Cobalt

Dear Dk Cabolt

wanna get revenge on my dad who just pissed me off massively. he’s only here until sunday night so looking for someone to come to my room anytime before then. He’s out most of the time during the day on weekends so either wanna sneak u in and do it behind his back or while he’s out. always risk of getting caught although he wouldn’t do anything, just get really embarassed lol.

Whad u reckon?

Neena

My advice ―

Dear Neena,

You are one of the stupidest people of all the stupid people who write to me every day, and that includes the special daily sessions with Hugh Grant, Steven Coogan and Sienna Miller. Please, put your clothes back on, have something nutritious to eat, re-watch some early episodes of the Inbetweeners and have an early night. Repeat nightly for at least 10 years.

Yours incredulously,
Dr George-Michel Cobalt

I am not sure if it is the Leveson inquiry or change of season or anxiety about the cost of Christmas, but there has been a flood of emails from petalicious flowers to the Sexual Trauma Emergency Helpline… . Here is a couple of examples. Write to me with your comments.

Dear Dr Goebbels,

I have a new boyfiend who is etremely exiting! He wis not always romanitc, I amdit. I wood lik to cuddle up infrontof the radiater with a bottle of wine and a dvd some nights but he wod rather we coddled eahcother.

But tht is not the provlem, docter, the problem is tht hw puts things in my places taht I don’t think are supposed to take things in. Do yu undertsnad? I dont meen to be to explisit? It herts when he doz it and gives me a big tingly feeling and I want him to do it and not do it so somtime yes and no. but my queston is should we?

Yours for advise,

Ms Analise

My advice –

Dear Ms Analise,

I think your exciting new boyfriend is right in one respect – it would be better for you to cuddle up with each other rather than with DVDs, which are sharp and small and not very snuggly. Perhaps you should suggest cuddling on the sofa instead of in front of the radiator? It can still be warm!

On your other ‘problem’, many women feel ambiguous about certain sexual acts. Sometimes, as you imply, things can be uncomfortable but pleasurable at the same time. Or an act can be uncomfortable for the woman but she wishes to do it as she knows it is pleasing for her partner.

My advice: give way on some things, perhaps not on others. Accentuate the positive. Don’t over analyse – it can be the source of real pain.

Yours sincerely,

Dr George-Michel Cobalt

Consultant on sexual intelligence

Here is another –

Dr Cobblers,

Last night I waited in our marriage bed, which I had freshly made up with perfumed sheets. I was wearing stockings… and nothing else. My little lady had been waxed the day before and was lovely and soft and smooth. My husband came home extremely drunk at 2am. He tried to rouse himself but was asleep in a few minutes. Today he is angry – either to hide his inadequacy or due to his raging hangover, or both.

Should I post an ad on Craigslist seeking a lover?

Yours frustrated and confused and oddly lonely,

Mad-eleine.

My advice –

Dear Mad Elaine,

I suspect there are some missing details here. Your husband is gay or an alcoholic, or he has a gambling problem or he is involved with criminals (in a not very successful way) or he has a small penis or pattern baldness or thoroughly crushed self-esteem. Or – a possibility – he is a gay, bald, small-penised, alcoholic criminal who gambles and whose self-esteem is crushed thoroughly.

You need to talk to some one – your husband, a counsellor, a lawyer, an accountant, your mother, his mother, your dog if you have one.

Stockings and a well-waxed little lady are adding to the problem.

If all other solutions are likely to cost large amounts of money you can ill-afford, by all means advertise for a lover on Craigslist.

Yours sincerely,

Dr George-Michel Cobalt,
Consultant on sexual intelligence

Tongue

Vagina

For comfort and safety, experts recommend a clean, well made bed

Petals,

This is something only a few of you will ever do, though many of you will have it done to you – or attempts will be made to do it to you. In many cases, in most cases, attempts that will fail miserably. You would think it simple. But it fills the inbox at the Sexual Trauma Emergency Helpline every single day.

Breathing

Everyone thinks they can breathe! Even dogs think they can breathe. But try doing it with your nose jammed between two warm, wet, pulsating labia! Not so easy now!

My advice: before allowing your boyf to ‘go down’ on you for the first time, insist he is familiar with adverse-condition breathing practices. A good way to train up is to fasten a clothes-peg to his nose and put his head in the tumble drier.

Posture

It can be satisfying, visually, to have your cunnilinguist kneeling in front of you, but it can lead to posture problems. Neck cricks can be an issue. If you are short and your partner tall, it might lead to a strained back. If you do it this way, you may need to lift a leg. It is important to rest your raised foot on a secure surface – once the excitement sets in, it is easy to fall! You won’t be the first flower to take the ‘throes of ecstasy’ a wee bit too literally! But a sharp bump on the head is not likely to add to your enjoyment, unless you like that kind of thing… .

For safety and comfort, experts recommend both partners lie down on a clean, well-made bed. Posture is still important. Your partner must take care not to get lodged too firmly into your pelvis. Breathing – see above – can be impeded and in the worst cases you may need to call for help from trained paramedics.

Tongue

A normal tongue should be thinnest at the edges, thicker in the centre and thickest at the root. It should be light red or pink in colour with a thin white coat and should also be slightly moist.

Bio-geography

Men! Everyone knows where they are! Flopping all over the place! But, Petals, your pretty charms are so much more mysterious – little and delicate, hidden away in sweet pockets. Does your cunnilinguist have the ‘map’ to find your charming treasure? Don’t be shy! Point the way!

Technique

Men – darlings that they can be, too often they go at ‘sex’ like boars at a rut! Non! Non! Non! Petals – don’t be shy. An analogy they often understand is that the clitoris is very like a fly-nut on a lawnmower. It needs to be adjusted gently, tenderly, or the mechanism will jam. Of course, not even the butchest man works on his lawnmower with his tongue – you have to try to get him to use his imagination.

Patience

Ah – this is the hardest part… . Petals, you will need to explain to your cunnilinguist that enthusiasm is commendable, but devotion is what will work. Once again, a lawn-mowing analogy may work. Spinning around the garden at top speed will not give you the best cut – patience, precision will bring a beautiful, smooth, manicured look that will impress the neighbours. But best not take the analogy too far – cunnilingus is not the place for impressing the neighbours!

Climax

Cunnilingus is all about you, the Petal. Chances are, when you’re doing it the ‘normal way’, it’s all over in two minutes. But cunnilingus is the other way around, physically speaking. Indulge!

Enthusiasm is good, but taking time to understand the female body will help

Cunnilingus - Finding the right hole is a little like repairing a lawnmower

Your man may be eager to please, but in need of gentle guidance as to where best to apply his apparatus

Cunnilingus girl on girl - it can work, but not always in obvious ways

For some Petals, a moustache adds a delightful tingle in just the right place

Yes, Petals, size matters ... but make sure you have helped him practice his breathing... he may be down there a long time... .

Do you have the makings of Perfect Wife? Or are you Slack Missus?

Perfect Wife is a pretty petal who works in a super-high-powered career but comes home, pulls on some skimpy-primpy lacy lingerie, slips into a pinnie, cooks a cordon-blue chateaubriand (hmm extra saucy!), sets the table, lights the candles, puts on a little night music, spoon-feeds her alpha-trophy husband while stroking his troubled temple with one hand and his gym-tight thigh muscles with the other… .

Slack Missus is an un-photoshopped version of Ann Widdecombe ex the hair dye and with added options including cigarettes, alcopops, grey trackies, poor dietary habits, limited employment opportunity, an obsession with reality TV, a crush on Gary Barlow and a long history of excessive chocolate consumption. When her husband comes home, Slack Missus greets him with a caw – did he remember to bring her fresh cigarettes and a copy of Heat magazine? Dinner is Cheesy Beans Jacket Potato from Iceland, with Quick Defrost Chocolate Crunch Freezer Cakes for dessert.

As dinner comes to an end with mousse au chocolate d’orange parfait, Perfect Wife casually lets her strap slip and whispers in Alpha-Trophy’s ear that they should adjourn to the fireside, where she has laid out a thick-pile rug and lit candles next to a blazing log fire.

Once the Freezer Cakes are scoffed, Slack Missus sparks up a zoot, puts her feet up on the dog and watches a re-play of Gary Barlow kicking Frankie Cocozza off X Factor.

When it’s time for bed, Perfect Wife strips down to her gorgeous lingerie and gives Alpha-Trophy a long tantric ecstasy experience straight from my own famous Blow Jobs: How To blog post.

Slack Missus falls asleep snoring with her last cig still burning in the ashtray.

Kim Kardashian was convinced she was Perfect Wife ... but it turns out she was Slack Missus

Angelina Jolie shows how even fabulous movie stars can put on a tent and transform themselves into Slack Missus....

Louise Mensch walks submissively behind her alpha-trophy husband, showing that Perfect Wife is about more than underpants from Victoria's Secret

Courtney Love is totally Slack Missus - and totally gorgeous with it

Ann Widdecombe modelling Slack Missus trackies ...

Say what you like, Petals, but Kerry Katona made millions from being Slack Missus

Every little counts ... Amy Childs does the Tesco version of Perfect Wife

Should Perfect Wife vajazzle?

Petals,

Once again, we see, there is a lot of sexual stupidity in the news. It is only two weeks since Kim Kardashian collected 10 million US dollars for marrying her estranged husband, the reality basketball star Kris Humphries.

Ms Kardashian is so upset she is unable to return her $2 million 20.5 carat diamond engagement ring. Her mother, the reality TV star-manager Kris Jenner, has issued a press release to publicise her daughter’s need for privacy. She went on Good Morning America to plead that her daughter not be paraded on national television like some cheap promotional gimmick. Ms Jenner says it’s all in her new book — Kris Jenner … and all things Kardashian.

The reality TV channel E! has devoted several special programmes to protecting Ms Kardashian’s need to spend time with her accountants.

Prettilicious petals ― what are we to make of a marriage that lasts two months? At $6 million a month, or $1.5 million a week ― was it worth it?

My advice: marry for love. Chase the dream. The fairytale romance, Prince Charmant. But if you have to settle for reality, make it reality TV … .

Bonne nuit, pretty petals.

Kim Kardashian is thrilled not to have to divorce her 20 carat diamond ring

Kris Humphries on his way to the cleaners

Kris Jenner says her daughter, Kim Kardashian, will keep her right to publicity

I am being tweeted on the Sexual Trauma Emergency Helpline many times a day by men in desperate need. Sweet as they are often are, men can be the most foolish creatures. I advise you to treat them gently and with the greatest patience. The evidence of my experiments is that they can be tamed, and that they can make most satisfying companions.

Here are some recent emails:

Dear Dr Who,

I wnet for a date recently with a woman (because being a male hertosexul) . It was alll reallly realy good. We had diner at Mcdonls and then went for a park up round the back of my old estate next to the palypark. I didn try to put my hand or anthing anywher . I believ in respect and taking thingss lowly at first. I did admit to licking shoes, which is a bit of funn of mine. She didn seem to mind and said she licks shows to. I took her to the bus stop to sent her hom and just gave her a kiss on the check. But doctor do you now what? Tomorow when I texted her to say I would lick to like her shows their was noreply! What does?

Youres singserely,

Tonguer.

My advice –

Dear Tonguer,

Many men like to lick a lady’s shoes. Some like the lady to be inside the shoe, some prefer the shoe to have been recently vacated. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I think you did the right thing in not trying to put your ‘hand or anything’ anywhere – but do you think next time you might take her home in your car rather than leaving her at the bus stop?

Yours faithfully,

Dr George-Michel Cobalt

Here is another, received today –

Dear Dr Cobalt, esq

I am an army colonel, ret. I have had some very decent sorties with the fairer sex. I find a uniform is most appealing to the ladies and (you would be surprised) they can often take discipline better than a man. My latest filly, however, recently delivered from Manila, is a bit feisty. I asked her to take care of one or two routine matters in the below-the-belt department and the answer, my dear fellow, would make a sergeant-major belch.

How should I break her in?

Yours truly,

Col. Verebene Crumbline-Scartuguale, CBE, VCO, ret.

My advice –

Dear Colonel,

Flowers?

Yours faithfully,

Dr George-Michel Cobalt

This one was an especially difficult case:

Dear Dr Coballs,

I have been married of six and a half years, three weeks and four days. In that time I have had only a few girlfriends, the latest lasting now for two years, five months, one week and three days.

I am an accountant.

Last month my practice hired a trainee who is super hot. I mean, boiling hot, as in red-hot or white-hot. I admit I told some small untruths. I hinted that I was not married and I naturally I did not mention that I had a girlfriend.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I took her to Chez Nico for a candlelit romantic evening. It cost £106.75p and I gave the waiter a tip of £5. Lorraine – that is her name – was thrilled. She admitted she likes older men and we went back to her place. On the way I bought a bottle of champagne (£23.65p), which we drank before having red-hot sex.

Anyway, in the morning she found out that I was married (see above). At first she cried and said it was all over. But the truth is we are so hot for each other that at lunchtime we were having more white-hot sex in the toilets at Nandos.

Now she says she will tell my wife everything if I don’t keep having red-hot sex with her whenever she wants.

Should I comply?

Yours faithfully,

Michael M.

My advice –

Dear Michael,

You need to consider becoming Catholic. If that doesn’t work, we may need to consider extreme chemical interventions. And if that doesn’t work, you might need to go home and tell your wife everything.

Yours faithfully,

Dr George-Michel Cobalt

Sometimes we find that a man and his ‘best man’ like to honeymoon. There is nothing wrong with two men travelling first class ‘together’. Dr Foxy ‘Liam’ Fox loved to ‘travel’ with his ‘friend’ Mr Adam Werrity on ‘business’.

Mr Werrity was Dr Foxy’s ‘adviser’ and they liked to do ‘meetings’. This is sometimes called the ‘love’ that dares not come out of ‘speech marks’.

We must not be prejudiced. Just because Dr ‘Foxy’ Fox is a Tory does not mean he can’t have a ‘best friend’. David Cameron is friends with George Osborne, for example, though perhaps not ‘friends’.

When men are best friends, we should not assume they are Tories. Or even that they are cabinet ministers. Sometimes it really is ‘nothing more’ than that they love to go about together selling heavy weapons to small rich countries.

And when I say ‘love’ I don’t necessarily mean ‘love’ ― I just mean they ‘love’ to go about. Together. Everywhere. All the time.

Ms Davina Cameron has told Dr Foxy not to probe himself. Instead, the head of the civil service, Sir Augustine ‘Gus’ O’Donnell is to probe Dr Foxy to see if Mr Werrity penetrated his inner circle.

It might well be nothing. Or ‘nothing’.

Liam Fox and Adam Werrity on their wedding day

Liam Fox was told not to probe himself

Liam Fox is not 'gay'

Liam Fox playing with sailors

Adam Werrity claimed he was Dr Fox's permanent member