Once again, we see, there is a lot of sexual stupidity in the news. It is only two weeks since Kim Kardashian collected 10 million US dollars for marrying her estranged husband, the reality basketball star Kris Humphries.
Ms Kardashian is so upset she is unable to return her $2 million 20.5 carat diamond engagement ring. Her mother, the reality TV star-manager Kris Jenner, has issued a press release to publicise her daughter’s need for privacy. She went on Good Morning America to plead that her daughter not be paraded on national television like some cheap promotional gimmick. Ms Jenner says it’s all in her new book — Kris Jenner … and all things Kardashian.
The reality TV channel E! has devoted several special programmes to protecting Ms Kardashian’s need to spend time with her accountants.
Prettilicious petals ― what are we to make of a marriage that lasts two months? At $6 million a month, or $1.5 million a week ― was it worth it?
My advice: marry for love. Chase the dream. The fairytale romance, Prince Charmant. But if you have to settle for reality, make it reality TV … .
Bonne nuit, pretty petals.
Kim Kardashian is thrilled not to have to divorce her 20 carat diamond ring
Kris Humphries on his way to the cleaners
Kris Jenner says her daughter, Kim Kardashian, will keep her right to publicity
I am being tweeted on the Sexual Trauma Emergency Helpline many times a day by men in desperate need. Sweet as they are often are, men can be the most foolish creatures. I advise you to treat them gently and with the greatest patience. The evidence of my experiments is that they can be tamed, and that they can make most satisfying companions.
Here are some recent emails:
Dear Dr Who,
I wnet for a date recently with a woman (because being a male hertosexul) . It was alll reallly realy good. We had diner at Mcdonls and then went for a park up round the back of my old estate next to the palypark. I didn try to put my hand or anthing anywher . I believ in respect and taking thingss lowly at first. I did admit to licking shoes, which is a bit of funn of mine. She didn seem to mind and said she licks shows to. I took her to the bus stop to sent her hom and just gave her a kiss on the check. But doctor do you now what? Tomorow when I texted her to say I would lick to like her shows their was noreply! What does?
Youres singserely,
Tonguer.
My advice –
Dear Tonguer,
Many men like to lick a lady’s shoes. Some like the lady to be inside the shoe, some prefer the shoe to have been recently vacated. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I think you did the right thing in not trying to put your ‘hand or anything’ anywhere – but do you think next time you might take her home in your car rather than leaving her at the bus stop?
Yours faithfully,
Dr George-Michel Cobalt
Here is another, received today –
Dear Dr Cobalt, esq
I am an army colonel, ret. I have had some very decent sorties with the fairer sex. I find a uniform is most appealing to the ladies and (you would be surprised) they can often take discipline better than a man. My latest filly, however, recently delivered from Manila, is a bit feisty. I asked her to take care of one or two routine matters in the below-the-belt department and the answer, my dear fellow, would make a sergeant-major belch.
I have been married of six and a half years, three weeks and four days. In that time I have had only a few girlfriends, the latest lasting now for two years, five months, one week and three days.
I am an accountant.
Last month my practice hired a trainee who is super hot. I mean, boiling hot, as in red-hot or white-hot. I admit I told some small untruths. I hinted that I was not married and I naturally I did not mention that I had a girlfriend.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I took her to Chez Nico for a candlelit romantic evening. It cost £106.75p and I gave the waiter a tip of £5. Lorraine – that is her name – was thrilled. She admitted she likes older men and we went back to her place. On the way I bought a bottle of champagne (£23.65p), which we drank before having red-hot sex.
Anyway, in the morning she found out that I was married (see above). At first she cried and said it was all over. But the truth is we are so hot for each other that at lunchtime we were having more white-hot sex in the toilets at Nandos.
Now she says she will tell my wife everything if I don’t keep having red-hot sex with her whenever she wants.
Should I comply?
Yours faithfully,
Michael M.
My advice –
Dear Michael,
You need to consider becoming Catholic. If that doesn’t work, we may need to consider extreme chemical interventions. And if that doesn’t work, you might need to go home and tell your wife everything.
Sometimes we find that a man and his ‘best man’ like to honeymoon. There is nothing wrong with two men travelling first class ‘together’. Dr Foxy ‘Liam’ Fox loved to ‘travel’ with his ‘friend’ Mr Adam Werrity on ‘business’.
Mr Werrity was Dr Foxy’s ‘adviser’ and they liked to do ‘meetings’. This is sometimes called the ‘love’ that dares not come out of ‘speech marks’.
We must not be prejudiced. Just because Dr ‘Foxy’ Fox is a Tory does not mean he can’t have a ‘best friend’. David Cameron is friends with George Osborne, for example, though perhaps not ‘friends’.
When men are best friends, we should not assume they are Tories. Or even that they are cabinet ministers. Sometimes it really is ‘nothing more’ than that they love to go about together selling heavy weapons to small rich countries.
And when I say ‘love’ I don’t necessarily mean ‘love’ ― I just mean they ‘love’ to go about. Together. Everywhere. All the time.
Ms Davina Cameron has told Dr Foxy not to probe himself. Instead, the head of the civil service, Sir Augustine ‘Gus’ O’Donnell is to probe Dr Foxy to see if Mr Werrity penetrated his inner circle.
It might well be nothing. Or ‘nothing’.
Liam Fox and Adam Werrity on their wedding day
Liam Fox was told not to probe himself
Liam Fox is not 'gay'
Liam Fox playing with sailors
Adam Werrity claimed he was Dr Fox's permanent member
We all know men are quickly confused. Often, men write to me in great distress. It gives a fascinating insight into what they think – I say ‘think’, but I use the term in its broadest, most relative sense. Here is a typical inquiry, received yesterday on the Sexual Trauma Emergency Helpline:
Dear Doctor Cobals,
I am desperate for a girlfriend but I don’t know which way to turn. Should I write an email to the sex-pot in accounts praising her breasts and asking her on a date to F-Club? I know this may sound forward, but doctor, whenever she needs to check my petty cash she minces right over to my desk with her breasts in front of her and her butt behind! Surely this means – mentally speaking – she’s hot-wired for group-sex perversity?
Yours sincerely,
Confused in Order Fulfillment
I wrote back immediately with my advice:
Dear Confused in Order Fulfillment,
It would seem to be you who is jumping several guns, most of which are not yet even loaded. If she walked with her breasts behind her and her butt in front, would that suggest to your sex-infested mind that she was ready for marriage and motherhood? Mentally speaking, I suggest you are in need not of a date to F-Club but deep sedation. Keep your petty cash in your pocket and concentrate on fulfilling your orders, not the assistant accounts manager.
Yours sincerely,
Dr George-Michel Cobalt
Consultant on Sexual Intelligence
Here is another that arrived soon after:
Dear Dtr GM,
Where is the best to get womn/? I have tired talking og womn in bars and it has not alsways turned out well; the last tiem for example when I polked a gilf in her bum for a joke and made her jumep and her brests jiglly far form seeing the gunny side she screamed and sscreamed until disturbing the hole bar. Is that woman don’t have sense s of humur or they don’t have orgams and cant fantisis ?
Urs apprece8
Still singl
My advice:
Dear Still Single,
It is astonishing that a man of your charm and wit should not have women flocking (please read that word carefully) to him. Clearly something is wrong with the world and you may be right in the reasons you suggest – that women lack a sense of humour, that they don’t orgasm and are unable to fantasise. In order to come to a certain and final answer on this difficult question, may I suggest that you donate your brain to science at the soonest possible moment?
Yours sincerely,
Dr George-Michel Cobalt
Consultant on Sexual Intelligence
And here is another, just in:
Dear Dr George-Michael,
In your experiments into sexual intelligence, do you find that women prefer a rough, manly man who is man enough to take her over the knee and give them a good spanking when they know they deserve it?
Yours truly,
Strict Discipline
c/o Wormwood Scrubs
My advice:
Dear Strict Discipline,
May I suggest an experiment for you? Next time one of your fellow-inmates swears out of turn, or smokes a cigarette after lights-out, take him over your knee and give him the spanking he knows he deserves. Please be sure to write to me with your results.
Yours sincerely,
Dr George-Michel Cobalt
Consultant in Sexual Intelligence
It seems that celebrities now have a ‘right to privacy’. Why does someone who makes themselves fabulously rich from being famous want a right to privacy?
Mr Wayne Rooney, the reality footballer, admitted he needed privacy because his sponsors did not want to advertise that he liked old-age prostitutes. How many ‘granny hookers’ buy football boots? Not so many, according to his PR lawyers.
Mr Ryan Giggs – also a reality footballer – claimed to Ms Justice Eady – the celebrity privacy judge – that he needed privacy to protect his fortune from his brother, Rhodri,
Natasha Giggs Endorses Reality Sex Toys
because he was having an affair with his wife, Natasha, while his own wife, Stacey Cooke, thought he was having an affair with Imogen Thomas.
Mr (Ryan) Giggs told Mr Eady that he had been so desperate for privacy that he had slept some nights with his own wife! At home! Or at least he thought he had. He wasn’t sure… and neither was Stacey… or it might have been Natasha. Or Dwight Yorke.
Imogen Thomas - an artist's impression of how Ryan Giggs might have seen her
Ms Eady agreed that Mr Giggs was extremely rich. He gagged Ms Thomas with a ‘superinjunction’, forbidding her from telling the truth, which he said is clearly contrary to English Law, the European Convention on Human Rights and the United Nations Security Council Resolution on the protection of Celebrity Endorsement Bank Accounts.
Ms Eady said it was outrageous that anyone should want to know about people who are famous.
What is the next step? Banning journalists from hacking celebrity voicemail? Would there still be any news fit to read? What will the tabloids report? Updates on the crisis in Angela Merkel’s erogenous zone? Non, merci!
Mr Rio Ferdinand is willing to help. As captain of England he is stepping in to save the sex scandal from complete extinction. When the Sunday Mirror published the story of his affair with Ms Carly Storey, he immediately agreed to sue the newspaper to ensure maximum exposure.
Rio Ferdinand remembered his wife's name by writing it on a card
Mr Ferdinand also agreed to make it clear to everyone that during the three-day trial he slept with at least 10 other women, including a model, had a three-in-a-bed session, plus flings with a Page Three girl, two international models, a Pop Idol contestant, a stripper, an air hostess, Alexa Ferguson, Arsenetta Wenger and Fabiana Capello.
He denied sleeping with his wife and said he had only met Jordan of 30 or 40 occasions, and only in hotels when they were with other models, footballers, reality celebrities, drinking champagne and sniffing a most exhilarating white powder which he thought might have been Beechams.
Mr Ferdinand invited Ms Eady to their next party, which he said were so much more fun now that privacy was guaranteed and people found telling the truth risked prison. Mr Eady said he might just pop along.
Carly Storey slept with Rio Ferdinand, an unnamed footballer
The story so far:
Rio Ferdinand had an affair with John Terry, who was involved with Wayne Bridge while playing away with Carly Storey, who was married to the lingerie model Fabiana Capello, the brother of England football manager Vanessa Perroncel, the wife of Ryan Giggs’s brother Rhodri, Natasha Giggs, who had affairs with Ryan, Danny Simpson, Phil Bardsley, Rhodri Giggs, Jordan, Kerry Katona, Eric Cantona, David Cantor and Dwight Yorke – who was having at an affair with Jordan, who was married to Peter Andre. M Ferdinand, it turns out, is married to Ms Justice Nicol, who had an affair with Imogen Thomas while still a client of Mr Max Clifford, who was given a gagging order by Ms Justice Eady while at a sleep-over with Rebecca Ellison, the editor of the Sunday Mirror.
Please, Petals – all this is subject to superinjunctions and no one is allowed to know!
Ms Justice Eady has agreed to come to a 'private' footballers' party!
Ryan Giggs says he may have slept with his wife, Stacey Cooke
Davina Cameron is furious! I don’t blame her! Who does Edwina Miliband think she is? She is not in the Bullingdon Belles and has never been, nevereverEVER!
What does she mean by a predator business? What is a bad business? One that doesn’t have slimy unions threatening to go on strike every time some pompous ‘spokesperson’ wants to retire on full pension at 25? Is that bad business?
Is BAe a bad business? Is there something wrong with founding your economy on the manufacture of armaments for foreign dictators? We bombed Gaddafi – now let’s sell jetfighters to the new regime. It’s what the military call win-win.
Davina Cameron says Eddie Izzard should be expected to work instead of milking the British middle classes
The Labour Party does not represent the rich. It hates people who are successful. It has NO IDEA about what makes a good business! Labour represents people who don’t work. Who don’t work!! Has Eddie Izzard ever worked? Where? Where did he work? On stage telling long, rambling ‘funny stories’? Is that work? That is NOT work. Is that the Labour Party – representing people who tell jokes? Yes. It should be called the Don’t Want to Labour Party.
One thing needs to be clear. Davina has written to Her Majesty the President to remind her who is Prima Donna. It is NOT Eddie Izzard!
Her Majesty the President has said Davina is still prima donna
Eddie Izzard being 'funny' for the Bullingdon Belles...
Edwina Miliband laughing at his own joke policies
BAe insists that making bombs is not 'bad business'. You sell one, it blows up, and then you sell another one - that's good business.
Petals ― could there be a last minute solution to the crisis in Europe’s erogenous zone?
According to Christine Lagarde at the Interminable Muff Fixation (IMF), the European sexual system is desperate. But Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi has it in hand.
The answer is to import pretty young women and set them to flatter the vanity of
Silvio Berlusconi has put his finger on the answer
elderly politicians and businessmen. Ruby Rubacuori, Patrizia D’Addario are Rasa Kulyte are among the lithesome beauties transforming the Italian eroticonomy.
According to Mr Berlusconi, who leads Italy’s Bunga-Bunga All-Night Party, young women kissing, stripping, frolicking, flirting and flitting about can stiffen political resolve.
Following a Bunga-Bunga Party conference, Mr Berlusconi was able to sweep into parliament, slash the civil service, dissolve provinces, send warplanes to Libya and expel tens of thousands of impoverished refugees. All that and he was on time for a champagne lunch with Ms Rubacuori!
Ruby Rubacuori is Queen of Italy's Bunga Bunga All-Night Party
Mlle Nicola Sarkozy, the presidentina of France, is already in bed with the idea. Finding himself short, he imported an Italian model to perk up his poll. Herr Angela Merkel, the German Kaiser, has promised Germany will pay.
“Europe needs to come together,” she told Willy Schmut.
Mz Rubacuori, the Queen of the Bunga-Bunga Party, has submitted to an IMF stress test and is reported to have an excellent capital ratio.
“Ruby is a gem,” said Mme Lagarde.
Silvio Berlusconi at a Bunga Bunga Party, showing world leaders how to solve the crisis in the Erogenous Zone
WPC Barbara Guerra helped keep order at the Bunga Bunga All-Night Party conference
Bunga Bunga Party - artist's impression
Silvio Berlusconi at the Interminable Muff Federation (IMF) debate on loose policy
Patrizia D'addario offering a comprehensive solution to the Erogenous Zone crisis
Ruby Rubacuori helped property billionaire Richard Lugner find her hand
Ruby Rubacuori swore an oath of allegiance to the Erogenous Zone Capitulation Fund
Ruby Rubacuori taking an IMF stress test - she was warned her bonus might be too much
Silvio Berlusconi explaining where Ruby Rubacuori needs recapitalising
Angela Merkel says Germany is committed to a two zone solution
Carla Bruni-Sarkozy said she would go naked to save the Erogenous Zone
Christine Lagarde voted Oui!
Angela Merkel at a Bunga Bunga Party Symposium in Berlin
